Parenting Improvement

Parenting has been a practice of such contention over the last few decades. Everyone now is wondering whether or not they are doing it right and in swoops the industry built to give parents the “right” answers they are seeking. I ran parenting groups for a number of years and I quickly learned that nearly all the parents there were the parents that did not need to be there. They were the parents who were caring and did their very best to be the very best parents. Looking for answers they would try any new thing that the facilitators had to offer. Every week they would come back reporting on their homework, even if I did not assign any!

A handful of parents attended some of these groups and did need to be there. These parents struggled to make ends meet and worked hard at their jobs only to come home and have little to offer their children. It was an honour for them to join the group and to see them take a couple of things away. After teaching a number of skills and techniques to the parenting group, I remember one of these parents reporting that they started reading to their child once a week. This was a big step forward for them because I could see that they were enjoying this time as well.

A first step I suggest to parents is to reflect on your own experience as a child and what worked and did not work for you. What you might discover is that you will come across some experiences as a child where you would say “I became the way I am because of…” and for other experiences you might say “I became the way I am in spite of…” This is the problem, if they would recognize it as such, for many biographers to decide on when writing about people’s lives. For instance, did Eleanor Roosevelt gain a strong sense of self because of some of the losses she faced in her childhood or was it in spite of those events? A question similar to this was posed by James Hillman in his book the Soul’s Code.

Another aspect that parents have taught me over the years from their own experience in being parented themselves when they were younger is that we do not need perfect parents, we need improving parents. This is echoed in my work with children over the years where small, gradual improvements are made with some parents is certainly recognized by the children. I imagine even having a parent choose to read to their child once a week might be all it takes to raise a happier child. These small gradual changes are not always easy though. For the parents so bogged down at the end of the day, the thought of improving on something might be too much. The first step might be identifying what it is that bogs you down and then come up with strategies on what to do about it. Both reflecting on your own experience and making those gradual changes can be the focus of the work in counselling. 

A wonderful resource that I often point parents of anxious children or children with behavioral concerns ages 3-12 is Confident Parents/Thriving Kids. https://welcome.cmhacptk.ca/